Faux Pas #1: You Forgot Her Birthday
The moment you realize the date got away from you, “offer an apology, but not an excuse,” says Irene Levine, PhD, professor of psychiatry at New York University School of Medicine, and author of Best Friends Forever. An “oops” birthday card or gift and an offer to buy her a drink or lunch are good moves. Remember, too, that how much your friend is hurt by your forgetfulness depends on her birthday-importance meter. If she’s super-sensitive (what Dr. Levine calls a “birthday princess”), you may have to work harder to get back in her good graces.

Faux Pas #2: You Don’t Like Her Husband
Leave her hubby out of the friendship as much as you can; it’s not fair to force her to divide her loyalties, especially if she knows he’s not your favorite person. “Remind her how important her friendship is to you, and restrict your time together to girls only,” says Dr. Levine. Employ a little diplomacy (or a harmless white lie): no reason you have to detail to her what you don’t like about her man.

Faux Pas #3: You Are (or Want to Be) Dating Her Ex
“I’m sure there are friends who have navigated this successfully without causing hurt feelings, but my general advice would be, if you want to keep the friend, avoid the ex,” says Elaine Zelley, PhD, associate communications professor at LaSalle University in Philadelphia, who has studied female friendships. This is particularly true if it’s a recent breakup, but even long-ago exes can stir up a world of emotion. If you’re already involved, be prepared for a painful adjustment period—or even the long-term loss of your friend. But if you’re only in the contemplation stage, “talk to her about it, honestly,” says Dr. Zelley, which is the only way you can hope to emerge with your friendship intact.

Faux Pas #4: You Weren’t There for Her at a Crucial Time
Don’t make excuses or offer justifications (“I was just so busy that month!”). “That only trivializes her experience and makes it seem that your life is more important than hers,” says Dr. Zelley. Instead, admit that you let her down, and that you realize how bad your absence made her feel. Ask, humbly and sincerely, if there’s anything you can do to make it up to her. Then let it go; depending on how hurt she is (and how much other support she had at the time), it may take time for the friendship to fully heal.

Faux Pas #5: You Were Late to Meet Her
You have to apologize, of course, and offer something to assuage her annoyance, such as picking up the lunch tab. If it’s a recurring problem, “you’re giving her the message that your time is more valuable than hers,” says Dr. Levine. Chronic lateness can seriously damage a friendship. Acknowledge that it’s you who has a punctuality problem; it’s nothing she did. Together, come up with a solution, such as meeting someplace she doesn’t mind waiting (a bookstore rather than a street corner), or meeting at your home instead.

Faux Pas #6: You Didn’t Call Her Back…for Months
Don’t keep putting off calling her—just do it. If you truly have no excuse, “a white lie may be in order,” says Dr. Levine (overtime at work, or a needy family member monopolizing your time). But keep it short and sweet, and then launch right into catching each other up on news. Remember, too, that different friendships have a different “pace,” says Dr. Levine. If this is a friendship that normally allows time to elapse between calls, it may not be as big a deal as you imagine.

Faux Pas #7: You Didn’t Tell Her When Something She Did Hurt You
“If what your friend did was a one-time event that isn’t likely to happen again, weigh the cost versus the benefit of telling her how you felt,” says Dr. Zelley. Her advice: “Only reveal the hurt if the benefit—a deeper level of trust and understanding in the friendship—outweighs the cost,” otherwise you could be creating distance in the friendship. But if what she did was so hurtful you’re not sure you can spend time with her without it bugging you, talk to her. Keep it simple: “I overheard you talking to Gina about my infertility problems, which I’d asked you to keep private.” Give her a chance to apologize, and see if you can regain trust again.

By Denise Schipani

Psychologists have found that how much people smile in old photographs can predict their later success in marriage.

In one test, the researchers looked at people’s college yearbook photos, and rated their smile intensity from 1 to 10. None of the people who fell within the top 10 percent of smile strength had divorced, while within the bottom 10 percent of smilers, almost one in four had had a marriage that ended, the researchers say. (Scoring was based on the stretch in two muscles: one that pulls up on the mouth, and one that creates wrinkles around the eyes.)

In a second trial, the research team asked people over age 65 to provide photos from their childhood (the average age in the pictures was 10 years old). The researchers scored each person’s smile, and found that only 11 percent of the biggest smilers had been divorced, while 31 percent of the frowners had experienced a broken marriage.

Overall, the results indicate that people who frown in photos are five times more likely to get a divorce than people who smile.

While the connection is striking, the researchers stress that they can’t conclude anything about the cause of the correlation.

“Maybe smiling represents a positive disposition towards life,” said study leader Matthew Hertenstein, a psychologist at DePauw University in Indiana. “Or maybe smiling people attract other happier people, and the combination may lead to a greater likelihood of a long-lasting marriage. We don’t really know for sure what’s causing it.”

Hertenstein said he has considered other explanations, such as the possibility that people who smile more often tend to attract more friends, and a larger support network makes it easier to keep a marriage healthy. Or it could be that people who smile when a photographer tells them to are more likely to have obedient personalities, which could make marriage easier.

The results of the study fit into a larger pattern of research that has found many personality characteristics can be determined from very thin slices of behavior. Basically, we often reveal ourselves in the most subtle, simple ways.

And smiling in photographs has been shown to be correlated with a number of traits, including a generally happier disposition.

“I think [our results] go along with a lot of the literature that’s been coming out over the last five to 10 years, which shows that positive emotionality is incredibly important in our lives,” Hertenstein told LiveScience. “There are many, many beneficial outcomes to a positive disposition.”

The findings are also notable because they found a connection between photos taken when people were young and marriage outcomes that sometimes occurred much later.

“It feeds into this idea that what’s occurring earlier in our lives in terms of our present situation and our mental state can predict things that occur decades later,” Hertenstein said. “Showing the continuity in who we are is really important.”

By Clara Moskowitz – LiveScience Staff Writer – LiveScience.com

I know couples who do the same routine every day — dress, shower, pack the briefcase and head out the door — with a “love you” as they give their mate a peck on the cheek. But that gets old and stale. Finding new ways to express that sentiment is key to not only keeping your relationship intact but strengthening your bond in a very deep way. In my book, “Divorce: It’s All About Control — How to Win the Emotional, Psychological and Legal Wars,” I talk about loss of love or intimacy. You need intimacy to keep a committed relationship healthy. Without expressing those feelings continuously, intimacy will dissipate and you and/or your partner will begin to look for it elsewhere. A little creativity and going the extra mile in the “I love you” department will pay huge dividends in your relationship, so if you are not already saying “I love you” in different ways, start now.

1. Stop off on your way home from work:
Pick up your sweetheart’s favorite “thing.” Maybe it’s a special flavor of Haagen-Dazs, the pizza with that wacky assortment of toppings, a new book by his/her favorite author, a CD he/she has mentioned wanting to get, a t-shirt with her/his (or as a couple your) favorite sayings on it. How about the laundry he/she keeps forgetting to pick up. Do not make a big deal of this little “love token” by some grand verbal announcement of it, instead leave it somewhere in the house where he/she will soon find it.

2. Throw that secret look:
Send a smile or smirk that only the two of you understand. No words need to accompany it. Maybe it is a wink or nod or other signal the two of you have established that means, “I love you.” Sending it to your lover when it is most unexpected, gesticulates tremendous warmth and affection. In all its silence, this beacon of love can end an argument, set up a soon-to-be intimate encounter or just remind your partner you are thinking special thoughts about them right in the middle of, well, nothing in particular.

3. Slip a supportive note or affirmation in her purse/his jacket pocket:
Though it may be days or weeks before he/she finds and sees it. No need to ask, “Did you get my note?” Just let your mate come upon it randomly. Whenar mate does, the impact will be stupendous!

4. Demonstrate that you are trying to correct that annoying habit:
Make an obvious effort to stop doing it. That could include picking up your dirty socks to cleaning the empty coffee cups off the center console of the car to tossing your gum in the trash when you have the urge to smack it. Do not say, “See, I’m working on that.” Your actions will speak for themselves.

5. Send one of those “just because” or “it made me think of you” cards or books:
Send one that has a message in it that only the two of you would get — an affectionate or humorous one — that reminds them you would not want to belong to anyone else. Shhh, do not mention it. By sending it, you have said it all.

6. Do a good deed for your partner:
One they know you typically avoid taking on and expect them to do instead. This might be taking out the trash, cleaning up after dinner, making the kids’ lunches, running to the grocery store, etc. Knowing that you did the chore or task he/she knows you generally dislike can speak volumes of how you feel about him/her.

7. Post your anniversary date in a place where your mate will see it:
Whether it is on the bathroom mirror, the refrigerator door, inside the checkbook or day planner or on their dashboard. Next to it, write, “Best day of my life.” No need to say “I love you,” you just did.

8. Extend a gentle touch at least once a day:
Not as a request for intimacy, but as a gesture of warmth and respect. A slight and tender stroke across his/her shoulder or a few soft fingertips across the cheek can speak loudly and clearly.

It’s time for you to make your list. When you can, add to it. Be creative. No matter how spectacular you currently believe your relationship to be, notice how much more rich it becomes.

By Stacy D. Phillips www.hitchedmag.com

First-Meeting Body Language
He lifts his eyebrows. When a man sees someone he’s into, he’ll automatically lift and lower his eyebrows, wrinkling his forehead in the process. But you’ll have to keep your eyes peeled to catch a glimpse of this telltale signal. Anthropologists call it the eyebrow flash because it’s usually lightning-quick.

He stands with his legs spread apart. A guy will often stand with his legs spread apart and pelvis facing you when he’s attracted to you. It’s a primal, biological instinct, and most guys don’t even know they’re doing it.

He stands or sits with his toes pointed toward each other. This means he’s feeling a little unsure of himself. So if a boy in the club is striking this pose, he’s digging you but needs reassurance that the interest is mutual.

He smiles with his top lip stretched wide and his front teeth are just barely peeking through. This tight-lipped look is a polite signal that while he enjoys your company, the romantic spark may not be there. but that doesn’t mean his feelings can’t develop.

He holds a looong, piercing gaze. Although you may think he’s smitten, he could be playing you. Holding intense eye contact for more than five sedonds doesn’t happen naturally, so he may be using the look solely as a player’s technique to get what he wants.

He tilts his head slightly to the side when your eyes meet. The head tilt is a subconscious come-hither signal that the guy has feelings for you. So if that man you’ve been meeting eyes with for the last hour gives you the head tilt, that’s your cue to go in for the kill and introduce yourself.

He half smiles. There’s a good chance this guy just wants a no-strings fling. “A sneerlike grin is an indication that he’s not being sincere with you,” points out body-language expert Patti Wood. “it’s a split-face gesture: Each side of his face is telling a different story.”

Dating Body Language
He sits on his hands. If a guy is sitting on his mitts, he’s trying to control what’s coming out of the his mouth. But this is more about withholding information. He’s worried that he’s going to do something that will displease you — he wants to put his best foot forward so he’s disciplining himself.

He has a big, broad expression, often with everything showing — teeth, gums… cavities. Consider it the “Wow, you give me butterflies. I’m head over heels’ smile.” If it’s accompanied by a hearty laugh, look out. If he were any more into you, he might drop down on one knee.

He says good-bye with a soft peck. If 9 times out of 10 he plants a soft, tender kiss on your cheek, then your beau is the sensitive type. This is a paternal gesture that shows he wants to take care of you.

He slouches his shoulders. When a man finds a woman’s actions to be adorable or sweet, he gets the urge to hold her. As a result, his shoulders automatically round off as though he’s about to take her into his arms. So does this mean you’ve suddenly lost all your seducing appeal? Not necessarily. The shoulder slump does indicate attraction but, even better, with a serious emotional undercurrent. So in the case of a long-term boyfriend, this shoulder roll is likely a sign that one of your quirks has tugged on his heartstrings. And if a brand-new dude pulls that move, chances are, he’s feeling a true connection to you. So forget all the flirting formalities and be real. This lad’s looking to go deeper.

He strokes his stomach. A midriff massager craves the spotlight and needs steady verbal reminders of what an absolte catch you think he is. However, when it comes to throwing fond feelings your way, this tongue-tied cutie is much more action than words. But if you want him to shower you with the affection he’s capable of, you’ll have to stroke his ego as often as he strokes his tummy.

He extends his palm. When a guy offers his palm to you faceup, you know hands down he’s hooked. He’s literally and figuratively reaching out to the person he’s speaking with in an attempt to connect on a deeper emotional level. Even cooler: Our brains respond to hand gestures with heightened alertness (we have a special region that processes only hand shapes), so you’ll actually feel the love.

On-the-Rocks Body Language
He shifts in his chair or taps his fingers. These nervous ticks may make it seem like he’s just plain nervous, but if they’re done while he’s explaining himself to you, they actually indicate that he could be fibbing.

He toys with his ears or his nose. If youre guy starts toying with his ear or nose (and he doesn’t have allergies), be suspicious. When a guy is being deceptive, it’s common for blood to rush to his face. His nose and ears will get warm and begin to itch, causing him to unconsciously rub or scratch them.

He looks up and to the left. The next time you ask him a sticky question or he wants to explain himself to you, notice which way he looks. If his eyes move up to the right, he’s recalling information from his memory. If he looks up to the left, there’s a good chance that he’s inventing the answer.

He averts his eyes. Because animosity is so hard to conceal, your guy will reduce eye contact. He’s subconsciously aware that one peek into his peepers will reveal his inner grrr. For a clue as to whether he’s miffed at you or someone else, look into his eyes (since he won’t look into yours). If he stares you down the second you catch his gaze, you’re probably the object of his ire.

His jaw is tense. Check out the spot where his jaw meets his cheekbone. If his mouth is rigid and you can see his jaw flexing, it’s a sign he’s fuming.

He covers his mouth with his hand. This guy is probably lying. When he unconsciously obstructs your view of his lips, it’s a sign that he’s trying to block the truth from slipping out. In addition, he might lick his lips and look away from you — directing his eyes down and to the right.

He turns his cheek mid-convo. Occasionally averting his eyes or scanning the room is normal, but if you find yourself talking mostly to his profile, you’re in trouble.

By Cosmopolitan

Joy #1: No In-Laws
Finding love is hard enough. Finding in-laws you love is even harder. So this season, give thanks that there are no in-laws in your life right now. And that’s a very good thing! No quarrels over whose house you’re spending the holidays at. No guilt trips about when the wedding, baby, and/or big promotion will happen. And as much as your own family may drive you nuts, spend a little extra time appreciating your quirky relatives this holiday season. Next year, you may be dealing with your new significant other’s family.

Joy #2: No Expensive Gifts to Buy
With no significant other to shop for this holiday season, your wallet may be feeling a little fat (even in these alleged cash-strapped times). You can lighten the load in a myriad of ways. From padding your savings account to splurging on the single friends in your life to doing something charitable for others in need, your hard-earned dollars will find their rightful home soon enough. And in the meantime, give thanks for being single and all the fabulous freedom it affords you this holiday season!

Joy #3: The Mystery of Mistletoe
Sure, it would be nice to have someone special to kiss under the mistletoe at every holiday party this season, but Joy #3 of being single is that you never know who you’ll meet under the mistletoe! You could kiss a couple cuties during the holidays this year. That’s the fun of being single. Knowing that the possibilities are endless, and that your next great kisser may just around the corner, or under the mistletoe. So why not put on your best party dress (or suit) and flirt a little this holiday season?

Joy #4: The Freedom to Flirt
And speaking of flirting, one of the best things about being single is that you have the freedom to flirt 24-7. Sure, when you’re coupled up you can still engage in the occasional flirt fest. But while you find yourself free of a romantic entanglement at this time of year, live it up!
Strike up a conversation with every cutie you meet this holiday season. Whether they smile, respond, and/or ask for your number is irrelevant. The point is to practice, practice, practice your flirting skills. You, my footloose and fancy free friend, have a free pass to flirt your booty off during the holidays. Go for it!

Joy #5: Rejoice. Renew. Reflect.
The holidays are the perfect time to take stock of your dating life as it is and to make any changes for the coming year. And the beauty of being single is that all of the choices are up to you so you get to be incredibly selfish! Really spend some time this holiday season thinking about what you want for your fabulous life. Looking to make a career change? Make it happen! Want to go back to school? Go for it! Serious about finding the love of your life? Enlist the help of friends, matchmakers, and dating experts and make 2009 the best year possible. You deserve it!

So there you have it — the joys of being single during the holidays. May you learn it, live it, love it. Happy holidays!

Do you… have a problem with eye contact?
Even if you love everything about this other person, it won’t matter, if you can’t take your eyes off their body parts. They’ll likely think you’re out for one thing, or that you’re just kind of creepy. Sure, they might be wearing something revealing, but that’s no excuse to stare all night long. Get a grip and get comfortable with eye contact, which creates a much better bond.

Do you… eat like a caveman?
Utensils are there for a reason — so you can eat like a gentleman. Shoveling food into your mouth is not something you should subject your date to. Same goes for talking while chewing. Not only is it unpleasant to watch at a time when your job is to be easy on the eyes, it’s a red flag that says you’re a little short on self-awareness — an important characteristic in a mate.

Do you… trim your toenails?
Not that your date will necessarily see your toenails right away, but when they do end up eyeballing them, unkept toenails are a guaranteed huge turnoff. It means you don’t take care of yourself, and valuing yourself is an important part of a healthy relationship. Plus, let’s not forget the damage they can do to the other person’s leg when you’re snuggling up on the sofa watching movies.

Do you… order “everything on the side” at a restaurant?
In other words, do you order like a girl?  Please don’t. Because if your date has to be tortured by, “I’ll have the Cobb salad, but no cheese, avocado, or bacon, and dressing on the side, and the pasta, but no oil please, and extra light on the pinenuts,” they may be forced to hide under the table or at least wonder what kind of demanding partner you could be. If you have dietary restrictions, do your best, just don’t get into what will happen to your belly if you don’t follow them.

Do you… assume you’re going to strike out?
The Secret said it once but we’ll say it again: In a lot of ways, you manifest your own destiny. So, if you have lots of thoughts about being unlucky in love, you may be pushing people away in ways you may not even know. If you assume the worst of the world and yourself, spend a few minutes before your date making a mental list of why you’re looking for a relationship and why you are an incredible a catch.

By Rita Mauceri and Elycia Rubin

The Spray
Chatting while in the midst of chewing a bite is never desirable, although sometimes it’s unavoidable. If you accidentally spit a bit of “collateral” on your company, it can be downright mortifying! Take a napkin and playfully wipe them off. A laugh and a shrug can do wonders! If you get lucky and they don’t happen to notice that spot of food that landed on their sleeve, reach over and brush it off by touching their arm to emphasize something you’re saying — they’ll never know.

The Whole Tooth
Poppy seeds, fresh ground pepper, and shredded lettuce are top threats to your dignity. There’s nothing like enjoying a delicious meal and leisurely conversation only to discover you’ve had a ribbon of green stuck around your tooth for the last hour. If your date points it out, laugh it off and graciously excuse yourself to remove it. Do not try to pick it out at the table! If you discover it on your own by way of a trip to the restroom, let it slide or make a light joke of it when you return to the table (depending on whom you’re dining with).

The Spaz
You pick up your fork to take a bite of tomato basil linguini and then SPLAT, it’s all over your lap. Whether it’s pasta sauce or iced tea, there’s nothing slick about spilling food on yourself or the table, but you can handle the aftermath with grace. Just smile and say “whoops,” then gently wipe yourself off with a napkin. If the spill calls for a more hardcore anecdote, excuse yourself to the bathroom to wipe it away with soap and water. It’s better than feverishly scrubbing at the table.

The Drop Out
If you drop a utensil on the floor, flag the waiter and politely ask for a replacement. He or she will generally retrieve the fallen item, so you don’t end up diving under the table. Handle it as a non-event and move on with your meal. If you’re at someone’s home, subtly retrieve the item and go to the kitchen to rinse it off.

The Food Face
Even for the most cautious diners, certain foods are always a bit messy — take hot-and-cheesy pizza, sauce-laden barbecued chicken, and double-decker burgers for instance. If a speck ends up on your cheek, no worries. Delicately wipe it off. If you aren’t aware of it, and your companion points it out, wipe it away with a good-natured laugh and a “thank you!!” When your dinner date is the one with a little stray sauce on his or her face, a simple “you’ve-got-a-little-yummy-right-here” will let them know in an amusing embarrassment-free way.

by Rita Mauceri and Elycia Rubin

However, for computer programmer Bernie Peng, it obviously seemed like the perfect idea. He spent a month reprogramming his girlfriend Tammy Liu’s favorite video game, gem-matching hit Bejeweled, so that it would display the all-important message when she reached a certain score. As Peng told Newark’s Star-Ledger: “I thought it was pretty cool, in a nerdy way.”

Did she agree? Fortunately for Peng, she did, and the pair plan a September wedding. Popcap, the company responsible for Bejeweled (and consequently untold hours of lost productivity in offices around the world) is flying the couple out for a Seattle honeymoon, and supplying copies of Bejeweled to hand out as wedding favors. A word of advice to any guests, though: don’t sit next to two other people wearing the same color, or all three of you will vanish.

By Mike Smith

The reason, researchers suspect, is that men place great value on beauty, whereas women are more interested in having a supportive husband.

Researchers admit that looks are subjective, but studies show there are some universal standards, including large eyes, “baby face” features, symmetric faces, so-called average faces, and specific waist-hip ratios in men versus women.

Past research has shown that individuals with comparable stunning looks are attracted to each other and once they hook up they report greater relationship satisfaction. These studies, however, are mainly based on new couples, showing that absolute beauty is important in the earliest stages of couple-hood, said lead researcher James McNulty of the University of Tennessee. But the role of physical attractiveness in well-established partnerships, such as marriage, is somewhat of a mystery.

The new study, published in the February issue of the Journal of Family Psychology, reveals looks continue to matter beyond that initial attraction, though in a different way.

Supportive spouses

McNulty’s team assessed 82 couples who had married within the previous six months and had been together for nearly three years prior to tying the knot. Participants were on average in their early to mid-20s.

Researchers videotaped as each spouse discussed with their partner a personal problem for 10 minutes. The tapes were analyzed for whether partners were supportive of spouses’ issues, which included goals to eat healthier, to land a new job and to exercise more often.

“A negative husband would’ve said, ‘This is your problem, you deal with it,’” McNulty said, “versus ‘Hey, I’m here for you; what do you want me to do?; how can I help you?’”

A group of trained “coders” rated the facial attractiveness of each spouse on a scale from 1 to 10, with the perfect 10 representing the ultimate babe. About a third of the couples had a more attractive wife, a third a more attractive husband and the remaining partners showed matching looks.

Trophy wives

Overall, wives and husbands behaved more positively when the woman was better looking.

The finding “seems very reasonable,” said Dan Ariely, a professor of behavioral economics at MIT’s Program in Media Arts and Sciences and Sloan School of Management. “Men are very sensitive to women’s attractiveness. Women seem to be sensitive to men’s height and salary,” said Ariely, who was not involved in the recent study.

In couples with more attractive husbands, both partners were less supportive of one another. McNulty suggests wives mirror, in some ways, the level of support they get from husbands.

“The husband who’s less physically attractive than his wife is getting something more than maybe he can expect to get,” McNulty told LiveScience. “He’s getting something better than he’s providing at that level. So he’s going to work hard to maintain that relationship.”

Men who are more attractive than their partners would theoretically have access to partners who are more attractive than their current spouses, McNulty said. The “grass could be greener” mentality could make these men less satisfied and less committed to maintain the marriage.

Physical attractiveness of husbands is not as important to women, the researchers suggest. Rather, wives are looking for supportive husbands, they say.

So it seems the mismatch in looks is actually a perfect match. “Equitable is unlikely to mean the same on every dimension,” Ariely said during a telephone interview. “It just means that overall two people make sense together.”

By Jeanna Bryner LiveScience Staff Writer

Anne and RJ have bought a house and had a baby together. They share a bed, a bathroom, even a toothbrush when necessary. And yet, until a few months ago, their 200-plus CDs had remained strictly separate — his Bruce Springsteen on one shelf, her Brad Paisley on another. Marrying each other, it turns out, didn’t automatically mean marrying their stuff.

Almost every couple we’ve talked to can relate. They may have cosigned a mortgage or even combined their DNA — but consolidate their books or music or art or furniture? That’s a big commitment!

But it’s one worth making. A joint MasterCard account may signal to the world — or at least your creditors — that your finances are intertwined. But your books mingling on the shelf (or your Saarinen side table snuggled up to his Chippendale sofa) are an everyday reminder that you’ve meshed as a couple.
Navigating the mine-field

What’s so difficult about turning his and hers into ours? For some couples, the issue was that the possessions in question were deeply personal. Stuart, a friend who’s a former book editor, has an emotional attachment to his library — so much so that even an emotional attachment to his wife, Patti, couldn’t persuade him to integrate their books for the first three years they lived together. “Books were my thing,” Stuart says. “Before we were together, I moved six or seven times in a four-year period, and my books were a part of me that stayed with me as I moved.” Combining Patti’s books with his would have been like pasting her baby pictures into his family album. Instead, she moved in her own bookcase intact.

Stuart and Patti did eventually marry their libraries. But wisely, Patti didn’t force the issue. When one partner has qualms about a wholesale blending of belongings, a smaller, symbolic merger can be a way to signal togetherness without trampling anyone’s feelings. On a certain shelf in their dining room, Patti and Stuart keep a group of volumes they consider special to them as a couple — mutual favorites, books they first read when they were dating, gifts to each other, or that they received jointly, beloved titles from childhood.

It’s a collection that symbolizes their relationship as much as their reading taste — and as a meaningful gesture, it far surpasses simple co-shelving.
The taste test

Sometimes, what makes a merger bumpy isn’t so much a question of emotions as a clash of aesthetics — particularly when it comes to collections of art or furniture. (Though we did hear from one husband who was reluctant to house his wife’s well thumbed paperbacks among his pristine hardcovers.)

For Wendy and Jim, it was the art. After moving into a three-story house in New Jersey, they finally had plenty of wall space. But Jim’s maps of Ireland and depictions of famous military invasions didn’t live comfortably beside Wendy’s arty black-and white photographs and oil portraits she had painted herself. “They looked disastrous hung in the same room,” Wendy says. “Much less on the same wall.”

So most of the art stayed bubble-wrapped — and most of the walls, bare. It might sound like a head-in-the-sand approach to merging, but in fact, by not insisting that their collections be integrated, Wendy and Jim left room for a new, mutually pleasing one to develop. They started with installations that were easy enough to agree on: photos of their two kids along a hallway, their son’s artwork tacked up in the playroom. Adorning their home’s walls suddenly felt like fun, and they found themselves eyeing new paintings and photographs they might like to acquire — as a couple. Ironically, as they begin to fill the house with this new, mutual collection, small groupings of his maps or her oil paintings no longer cause such a huge visual disconnect, bridged as they are by common ground.
Orderly conduct

But what do you do when what’s undermining a merger isn’t the stuff itself, but the system for organizing it?

What seemed to work best for the couples we talked to was letting the more meticulous scheme govern — with the understanding that occasional insurrections must be tolerated. An example: though her husband, John, would be fine with a looser arrangement, our friend Laura, organizes their CDs alphabetically within genre: rock A-Z, comedy A-Z, classical A-Z. The exceptions, she says, are quite simply “anything one person cares a lot more about.” So though some of John’s Peter Gabriel albums should, according to the system, be filed in rock and others in world music, they stay together. As Laura points out, John is the only one who’ll be listening to them — and so he’s the only one who will need to locate them. “We don’t make theory more important than practicality,” she says. “There’s no ‘My logic is better than yours so you must apply it to things I won’t use!’”

The same is true with Patti and Stuart, who did eventually merge their books — once Patti, a random shelver, capitulated to Stuart’s precise alphabetical scheme. The bookshelves start in the sunroom (Dorothy Allison through Aldous Huxley), continue in the living room (John Irving through Tom Robbins), make a leap to the master bedroom (Philip Roth followed by J.K. Rowling followed by … well, you get the point.) “I ceded all control,” Patti says wryly. Et voila! Bibliophilic bliss. But there are some books — Patti’s vast number of reference works, for example — that are exempt from the system. And it’s those little idiosyncrasies that turn the collection from his into theirs.
A melding of the minds

Of course, the very best mergers are those that come about organically, even when it’s a glacial process. Take Anne and RJ’s formerly segregated CDs, now assimilated into four large CD binders. When they met, country music was something Anne inflicted on RJ. Now he knows every word to “All My Ex’s Live in Texas.” And as he began reaching for Anne’s CDs as often as he did his own, their personal possessions began to feel like joint property. No, not every single one — they will never truly co-own the Metallica CDs (his) or the Indigo Girls albums (hers). But when one of them brings home the latest George Strait, they consider it theirs.

By Lauren and Anne Purcell